How do I explain to you… the terror in a boys heart at the slightest noise in the night, and how he is paralyzed by the foot steps which stop at his bedroom door? As he buries his head under the blankets in a futile attempt at childish escape, the doorknob is quietly turned and the door creaks eerily as it is slowly opened. There is a hushed voice which speaks to allay his fears but in its sinister motives is the personification of the horror. Cruel hands begin to feel for him in the dark , he struggles to resist, but a boy cannot withstand the strength of a man. Confusion fills his mind as a mixture of pleasure and sickness create a fog that will never lift.
How can this boy, stunted in his growth from his earliest years by the one person who should have protected him, trust anyone now?
How do I explain to you… what it feels like to be told you are lying when you finally find the courage to tell the truth? That the nightmares this boy has endured over such a long period of time are not validated, but denied. He is not protected by anyone, but left in that same environment to be tormented further. There is no relief or salvation; only hell, fear, and darkness. I ask you — what could he do?
How do I explain to you… that the church hid the truth, colluded with and protected the perpetrator, and provided no lasting support for a defenseless child? Why is it this boy now a man, has tried for decades to be accepted and validated by the church in spite of them turning their backs on him? The church is the hospital that hasn’t treated the patient and seen him restored and fully healed, but instead has set him loose, diseased and infected. In turn, the church has distanced themselves from the problem, passed it on to others, feigned pity, or ignored it altogether. Surely you could possibly understand why there is resentment and an inability to trust the church?
How do I explain to you… the life that has followed? The inexplicable and repeated failures at every endeavor have left this man unable to again lift his head and find the passion to pursue once attainable dreams. That he has two failed marriages behind him in which he was unreachable emotionally and unable to be trusted. That he has been the beneficiary of opportunity after opportunity and has sabotaged every one of them. What about the unsettled mind that has haunted him every waking hour? Anxiety, fear, doubt, self-hatred, guilt, all taking their turn to gnaw mercilessly on his mind. The looming feeling that he is unable to be free of the dark visions that disturb, and only a few steps from falling right back into their slimy trap.
How do I explain to you… the role that addiction plays in the wounded souls life? How the perversion endured as a child can find another way to handicap through coping mechanisms that further drag someone down into darkness. That through many and various means, the knife that was violently plunged into the heart of a child is now wickedly turned causing irreparable damage within.
How do I explain to you… that I am lost and need help? I push people away and run from my past, I start over and over again, but I am stuck in the quagmire of hopelessness. I cannot free myself from this torment, and feel destined to die in it. I look around and see the problems that we all face on every side and then guilt arrives to condemn me for my inability to be strong. I want to believe and trust but these actions are so far removed from me that I don’t really know what they are or how to find them again.
How do I explain to you… what I don’t understand myself?
Part 2 of this post is found HERE.