Descending, ever so slowly, almost un-noticable…a little less engaged, less hopeful, more numb and faithless.
Its harder to move, more difficult to smile and it feels like my extremities are gradually atrophying and withering away. I am shrinking within the darkness as the light continues to fade.
My heart is becoming a stone and it seems irreversible. No one cares, no one is engaged, no one shows that they would miss me if I am gone.
Is this what it is like to face the end? Do the drugs I take actually slow the process or do they hasten its resolution?
Every day is growing and deepening futility. Yes, some days are a better grade of hopelessness, but many are much worse.
As a child I was used and abandoned. It’s not recoverable for all. It doesn’t end well for many. That is the reality, it isn’t what you think or want it to be. If you ignore it it won’t disappear.
Will there be some little thing that happens that turns the tide one way…or the other?
I go to work, I put on the face, I do my job, and yet inside is a hollow shell of a man. I am not who you think I am, I never was.
Slipping…sliding into the darkness. Ever falling, and waiting for the moment the ground rises up and we meet in all its finality. It is coming.