Some will say you are a sissy or a loser because you medicate. Unfortunately, some things are so horrific that to survive, no matter how poorly, we mistakenly try to distract from the immensity of its powerful death grip with whatever we can use to escape and indulge ourselves.
I used to use pornography to temporarily silence my pain. But during years of sobriety I have found a new coping agent.
It has been said that I am happier on the days I work, and it seems to be true. But I am still using something external to deal with the pain and emptiness I feel inside.
In other words, I am no further along than I was all those years ago.
I still sink deeply in depression, I still feel useless and a complete failure, and…I still feel I am not being who I really am.
Work has been an easy fix for quite a while now. It wasn’t until very recently that I began to lose the ability to mask my decomposing inner structure from others. But it is starting to happen.
You see, that’s the whole problem. We internalize our pain until it becomes too much to handle and it comes flowing uncontrollably out.
Works band-aid is a much more effective addiction than porn, but only because it lasts 10 hours a day, and when it’s over you are too exhausted to think. Whereas porn provides a momentary escape but immediate regret and shame.
Either way the addict will lose. It just seems that work is a more noble cause to dedicate oneself to than the undesirable use of pornography.
You may ask, “what is so wrong with porn?” My reasons for using it were selfish and it did irreparable damage to all my relationships. It was used in place of reality and it poisoned what was real. Porn kept me in the place of silence and shame and prohibited my person growth and the true expressions I was capable of.
Using porn is like stupidly taunting an enormous beast into a fight that you will not survive. It will spill your entrails in the dust, tear you to pieces, gorge itself on your flesh and leave what little is left to the scavengers.
In retrospect, now that I am older, I am unable to call up the motivation or energy to pursue dreams and am instead relegated to abandon them. It is now that dreaded potential that was never realized.
Therein lies the struggle which will continue indefinitely. Decades lost, relationships destroyed, people hurt, hopes squelched, and time is quickly fleeting.
Is there any hope of restoration? Search your own heart for those answers, they cannot be found anywhere else.