We are all born into a whole world of possibilities, they lie right there before each of us. I am among the most privileged when it comes to my race and country of origin, and I also possess some amount of gifting and talents which were at one time the fulcrum on which my future hinged.
Yet here, in the last few years I have found my life to be shrinking into a smaller and smaller space; I cannot breathe, I cannot move, and I long for the end of life itself.
I try to understand how this has come about…ever so slowly weakness and frailty have infected my bones, muscles and mind. There are very few fibers within me that believe in any resurgence of hope.
I deaden the pain with stuff, things that have no meaning to pursue but make the time pass more quickly. I am hanging on by the slimmest of threads to an expiring contract with living.
It gets more difficult each day to go from awakening to falling back into sleep. Harder and harder to keep up the act that makes others believe I am OK. Some see it and are frightened by my flights of anger, my crashes into depression, my manic highs that burn without logic.
All the while my physical environment is getting smaller. I stay in one room at home, got to work and come home…repeat.
This computer is my only link to the outside world with which I can express myself. I no longer go to church and have no associations with those of faith, I have failed them and they me.
The promise that is born in the spirit of every child has forsaken me. The abuse I experienced wounded and eventually destroyed my spirit. Addiction stole many of my years, and depression, anxiety and fear all rule this world which hangs in my dysfunctional universe.
Joy is so fleeting it is almost nothing more than a mistrusted memory.
Its OK…I accept this fate now. I am only sorry that my wonderful wife has to endure the incessant, unending cycle I relive which holds her hostage. This is why I will welcome the end, it will relieve me of this pain and free her to live again.
I cannot separate myself from the past and its ramifications, my soul is dangled above a perpetual fire that has seared my memories and burned away any chance of restoration.
My world shrinks and soon it will be to small for me to fit into, then I will be mercifully absent.