My wife commented yesterday that she was happy I got my meds adjusted because there is a palpable difference in my outlook and demeanor. For her sake I am glad. The truth is that this more acceptable exterior belies the continuing raging storm within.
I suppose its good to think better about myself, not be so outwardly negative and have a more effective grasp on my anger. Those things not only benefit me but those I come in contact with. The problem is that I don’t want to be that way. I feel I am not being true to the life I have had if I settle into a well-adjusted, peaceful, quiet existence.
There are multiple reasons for this.
- I never want my parents to feel any rest, joy or pride in their son after what they did to me. The damage they caused ruined my life and it is cannot be repaired.
- Silence is unacceptable when relating what abuse of another’s fragile life reaps.
- My religious past and the number of decades wasted in church.
- The forfeiture of my dreams and aspirations through the endurance of abuse and the ensuing self-destruction of my present and future.
I know that because of my stubborn hold on what has been I am defeating a better future, but I really don’t care. If you think that a few years of peace make up for decades of misery and shame…c’mon!
So while the world continues to turn and my life goes from birth to death, I will pass through it without leaving a lasting positive legacy. That is as it should be because that is who I am.