It’s the simple things that freak me out. Stuff that seems everyday, easy-going, fun-those are the things that stress me beyond comprehension. No one seems to understand that. Even my own brother who suffered the same trauma doesn’t get it. My wife, to whom I have explained this over and over to is still in the dark.
This morning she wanted to go out for breakfast, her son is visiting. They got up late and decided to go to breakfast at 10am. I work at 1. I didn’t want go and she couldn’t understand why, so I explained it all again. I work in a very intense, close contact service environment and it isn’t my strength. People, situations, pressure. I have false teeth, so eating out is extremely uncomfortable. I struggle with things that are not part of the boring routine I have constructed around me. It is safe, it feels more secure this way.
I was sexually abused as a child and I have watched as my world has shrunk to working and being alone. That’s it, I don’t know how she takes it, I am no kind of husband. I have seen the various maladies and weaknesses commonly experienced by survivors of childhood sexual abuse overtake me in every area of life. From addictive behavior to suicidal thinking….I am a basket case. Even my employer sees it and tries to help.
Please stop trying to make me what I am not. I have spent decades trying and you can’t change what I haven’t been able too. I am sorry that it is this way. It is way more complicated than the few words I have shared here but I am just trying to help you understand.