sick

I am sick of living. Its all the hiding and subterfuge, the pain and the never quieted lack of peace.  I am sick of the world in which we live that tears you down, judges…and once you are destroyed moves on. I am sick of the church; they who preach justice, restoration and truth and yet throw you aside when you question their motives and actions. I am sick of politics, the self-righteous, the holier-than-thou, the sniping, criticizing, bad-mouthing. I am sick of people, serving them, being seen as less than them, smiling through their sarcasm and evaluation. I am sick of my body, it is tired and breaking..slowly it abandons me. I wish I could leave it and be done with this. I am sick of how I hurt others and selfishly use them. I am sick of chasing mirages and believing they are real. I am sick of good and bad and the eternal battle between them. I am sick of you who read and “like” my blog and yet never wonder if I am actually ok. I am sick of trying to impress you and at the same time fight the addictions, hurts, and abuses that destroyed my life before you even knew me.

I am sick in every way it is possible to be sick. Yet this life will drag on, its poor existence unrelenting in its demands. I am sick of a god who allows such pain and remains silent and invisible yet claims to love unerringly. How this so-called god lets you be abused and tortured and then tells you to trust in this entity that lives only in the feeble minded is beyond me.

I am sick of it all, but mostly I am sick of me.

 

3 Comments

    1. I am sorry, I just saw this comment. Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to read what I call my “online journal”. Yes, I am OK, but some days are practically unbearable. Somehow I keep going with varying degrees of belief that life has some sort of purpose. I went from dismissing my trauma, to minimizing it, to embracing it, to really feeling the total and complete destruction of everything I thought I was and every dream I ever embraced. The last few weeks have been better but I take it a day at a time knowing at any moment it could all come crashing down again. I feel like I am merely living out the string. I appreciate your story as well, and hope that as you continue on valiantly, you find peace, strength, joy and a level of fulfillment in this life.
      Chris

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. One day at a time is all anyone can ask. I sometimes get through one hour at a time!!! You are doing well, even if you don’t see it. Your courage is fierce!

        Like

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