This story begins with a bit of a on-the-job’ meltdown in which I was told I was mega-failure, and my resulting exclamation that suicide was my only choice. I’ve spent six out of the next 8 weeks in partial hospitalization at a psychiatric hospital. Well, in all honesty I have one more day to attend due to medication adjustments and my lack of sleep.
Some help with depression and anxiety, bipolar disorder and sleep; then there is thyroid, cholesterol and blood pressure regulation. I take a fistful of pills every morning and then again at night.
Panic attacks, the sweats, overwhelming anxiety, fear of groups of people, a loss of confidence, and great fear have overtaken my life, or at least what I thought my life was. I am confused and unsure of where I stand in this world.
This has been in the making for over 40 years and finally being processed for what it is, mental illness. Religious groups once denied me the opportunity of dealing with my issues for what we’re termed “spiritual weakness”. But what I have found is tremendous camaraderie among a select few who have faced and are dealing with this scourge of the mind.
I went into this thinking it would be a couple of weeks and jump back into life again, but not so much. Now my view is that this will take as long as it takes and until I am ready I will take care of me like no one ever has, including myself.
You may or may not believe that mental well-being is a type of illness. I know that it is based on a few factors. My upbringing, family history, and the fact so much of this has been out of my control. So now I seek to regain what was lost so long ago over the course of several years in the darkness of a little boys bedroom.
I can confidently say I don’t need the help or sympathy of those who just feel pity over the weak inadequacies they see in those of use who struggle so mightily. However, my sisters and brothers who I now call my family, that are bravely facing the odds against them with courage and determination, are those I feel closest to in this terrible and debilitating illness.
In spite of how you view us, we are winners, because we never give up!