Bi-Polar, Meds and Survival

I have discovered a new danger of mental illness. When you are Bi-Polar there are certain things that go along with it. This is from the Mayo Clinic https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

Mania and hypomania

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

  • Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
  • Increased activity, energy or agitation
  • Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
  • Decreased need for sleep
  • Unusual talkativeness
  • Racing thoughts
  • Distractibility
  • Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Major depressive episode

A major depressive episode includes symptoms that are severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships. An episode includes five or more of these symptoms:

  • Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability)
  • Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities
  • Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression)
  • Either insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Either restlessness or slowed behavior
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
  • Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
  • Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide

Other features of bipolar disorder

Signs and symptoms of bipolar I and bipolar II disorders may include other features, such as anxious distress, melancholy, psychosis or others. The timing of symptoms may include diagnostic labels such as mixed or rapid cycling. In addition, bipolar symptoms may occur during pregnancy or change with the seasons.

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I have made a series of choices over the span of my life. Until I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety and most recently the symptoms of Bi-Polar Disorder, they were all tallied up to character flaws, sin, stubbornness and selfishness primarily. People influenced me with very little effort to conform to their desires and vision for me. It always ended the same, sabotage. Ultimately these pursuits ended in failure. Jobs, relationships and dreams all fell to the wayside.

It is only now that I look at the history and more carefully inspect the layers of them, that I see a sinister motive. People who wanted to deny that events of my life, including the sexual abuse of me as a child, had anything to do with what would happen thereafter. It is laughable, and I now feel disgust for the manipulators who tried to fashion their vision through me.

In conclusion, I am only beginning to scratch the surface of what I want for my life and I am meeting with great resistance. Why? Because change is hard, turning the tables is hard, breaking from of the status quo is hard. It is difficult enough to think for yourself when you are afflicted by a fistful of prescription meds, the history of choices, a group of people condemning your contemplations that don’t fit with their agenda.

Unfortunately this is what mental illness does, it confuses, abstracts, twists and convolute’s the mind and the choices one makes. When will I be given the credit for my own decision that I actually do for my best interest? Probably never, because I will always be seen as either a sinner, a person of unfulfilled potential, or a mental case. I just can’t win.

But, if I make my choices and stand by them, seeing them through, I have no-one to apologize to. You live your life as you see fit and I will live mine. I won’t judge you, as if I even know you, and, well, I cannot tell you not to judge me, that is your decision.

 

 

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