What day is it?

I’ve lost track of many things with memory issues increasing. I can only assume already bad memory circuits are further depleted by prescription drugs.

I have been told that I am apathetic, life interests have faded to black, my choices are poor (although that’s no news flash).

Yesterday I watched a documentary on Netflix that reported on the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church in Spain. I saw man after man, several that were my age, confess what had happened to them and all the terrible outcomes to them and their families. It also showed priests rationalize what they did, outright deny they remembered their actions and the occasional weak punishment handed down.

In this age of increased knowledge and transparency, getting away with these offenses is more and more difficult. Anyone being used in this way must be rescued. Here is where I reach into my own hypocrisy.

When I was abused as a child I discovered the dark world of pornography. It slowly and methodically strengthened its grip on my heart and mind. It became my “go-to” when feeling down, stressful, inept and a litany of other things. It gave me a single point of control I hadn’t ever experienced before.

Here is where the conundrum lies. When I look at porn I am supporting an industry that feeds abusers. I am, in essence giving power to those who abuse. That makes no sense, except that it should be no surprise that abused people get stuck in many unhealthy behaviors.

Mental illness plagues legions of the abused and I am one of them. This is a battle I fight, though failure is much more prevalent than victory.

My message to us all is one of understanding, patience, support and love. We will make choices you don’t understand-it’s just survival to us. We are trying to make it through another day.

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