The last few weeks have been an increasingly unpredictable flow of a raging river in my head, as I am being swept along by the dizzying current. I have gone from day-to-day in a state of, well a….yeah, its hard to put my finger on. What I can’t describe is taking a level up this morning.
As I sit here I look out my window and just a few hundred feet away is a church. They are preparing for another Sunday service. People from near and far will come and worship. What they are all worshiping though isn’t the deity referred to as god, for as a decades long attendee I can tell you there are many agendas at work. I used to be one of the “faithful” but as my life crumbled and everything went sideways I chose a different path.
I spent years questioning, twisting, choking on the smog of contradiction, hypocrisy and legalism until I could stand it no more, and left those whited sepulchres. Now, as I face mental illness in all its glory I do so without the mask of religious excuses and reasoning for my behaviour. This is at the time assuring as it is troubling. Especially this morning as I have had a reoccurrence of un-explained things.
As I was in my waking moments and lying on the floor, I felt something touch me on the shoulder. I quickly turned and squinted into the semi-darkness of the room. I scanned to the left, right, up and down but there was nothing there. As I return to my resting position, albeit slightly unsettled, it was a few minutes more and I thought I heard the voice of a child. I strained my ears to make sense of it, but it was gone as soon as it had begun. Then, I also perceived some faint and other-worldly sounds that came and went.
Am I losing my already tightly wound and ready to burst grip on reality? That brings a smile to my face, as I think “what the hell is reality anyway!”
I am reminded of a hallucination I experienced some years ago when a grotesque face appeared before my eyes in a moment of, yes…waking from a nap. It showed itself and then popped into oblivion as if slapped away from my consciousness. I explained it away as a spiritual attack, as that was plausible in the religious environment I was at the time. But as I have fully engaged the battle of mental health and all its debilitating forms, I see it quite differently.
Stripping away the veneer off rationality one finds a stupefying realm of alternate reality. It’s a world that defies explanation. Complex, ever-changing, terrifying and something man has yet to figure out a way to fix.
Sure, I am handed a fistful of medications, and a few hours of group therapy, and then insurance say, “you’re fine”. But you aren’t. Everyone wants to just disappear sometimes, but a prevailing sense of being done for good isn’t a healthy way to live. Last night I spent some time looking at suicide deaths of prominent people. Hundreds of them over the course of the last 2,000 years. I am not sure why I did this, though I noted why and how they killed themselves.
Today is a new day, just like all the rest. Confounded, confused and seeking a bit of light to justify my existence. Who knows what it holds? Everyday is an adventure, right?