…a Real Life.

Over the years I have been subjected to some negative feedback for sharing my life, and doing so with an honest and sometimes raw viewpoint. This is my online journal, with nothing to hide and certainly nothing to lose. I don’t just rant for the sake of ranting. I don’t accuse unless I believe there is cause for indictment. I have also tried to be as transparent as I can possibly be about my own faults, which are many in and of themselves.

First off, any of us which take a hard and honest look internally, will see embarrassing and downright stupid things we want to keep out of the light. I endeavor to destroy the myth of perfection, and find others who can also be painfully real about their lives.

Secondarily, I choose to expose wrong-doing through my interpretation of current events. My focus is in areas that are important to me because of my personal experiences. This is all amplified by my current situation, suffering through the deepest, darkest places I have ever seen. Mental Illness has me in its clutches to the point I have most days given into despair and hopelessness. Everything is out of whack.

Thirdly, I am tired of trying to help people understand what I don’t understand about myself. Why I suffer from an anxiety or panic attack, Why I prefer to isolate and withdraw from human contact, why I have nausea every day, have terrible headaches and cannot sleep. Then I am up and manic only to plunge into deep depression.

In the midst of all this I try to keep writing as much as I can. Processing. My therapist asked me what my goals for my sessions would be. I told her before I set any goals I have to believe they are attainable, I have to see hope. I can say as of now I don’t see it.

This is a real life.

4 Comments

  1. Maybe “hope” is just another word for ‘dream.’ Rather ask yourself what you want, or don’t want to determine if your wants are attainable. Winning the lotto? Eating an entire container of Ben & Jerry without interruption? Somethings need to be put into a different perspective. Maybe hope is one of those things. Just a thought.

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    1. Thank you for your comment!
      I think hope is the proper word here. I am hoping for a peaceful life, I am hoping for some level of justice and hoping for some progress in therapy. So are you saying hope is futile? That all the struggles and effort in life can only be gestated in a dream? There comes a point when a dream dies, and hope is all that is left. Now, as Martin Luther King said with great compassion and so emphatically “I have a dream”, he was dreaming big, of societal change and equality, of that there is no doubt. But also, I don’t like to quote scripture, it says that “hope deferred makes the heart sick”, that is why I use the word. I have essentially given up on my dreams already, so I hang onto hope as my only chance to survive. Hope may seem like a “thinner” word, but in my mind it is the last line of defense.

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      1. Martin Luther had a dream, yes. He hoped for a better, much more kind society, without segregation. This dream of his, his hope, is what he wanted. He took action toward what he wanted. If he hoped to win the lotto, or winning was a dream of his, action would need to be taken. I think that is what I was trying to express. Putting hope into a different perspective such as want. Maybe this helps clarify my thoughts or opinion. Not asking to agree on this topic. It’s just interesting to really think about a person’s hope, and what they’re willing to do to see or accept the stages of hoping and compare to a person’s wants and evaluate what actions are taken for the person to achieve their desired wants. Martin Luther had a dream, he wanted change therefore he took action.

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      2. Some good perspectives here. I admit I can become stagnant in my thinking, even presumptive, predictive, believing I already know the outcome. Occasionally I can get outside of myself and allow my reason to be subgigated to a different possible reality. It something for all of us to think about, especially once we settle into an opinion about ourself or others. Thank you!

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