I am sitting here tonight reviewing some thoughts before I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow. My therapist asked me to write down everything that I have been experiencing these last four months. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long and I don’t feel I have made much progress, if any.
I am certain of this, I added to my list of dysfunction more than was subtracted. I won’t get into the specifics because that doesn’t really matter. But I do want those of you who are beginning to deal with your mental illness to know it is not an exact science. It is actually something like walking through a minefield blindfolded. Some say we are guinea pigs for our doctors and this is true, but we all react differently to the variety of medications that are available.
Where will this lead? That is impossible to answer.
I feel that the 6 weeks I spent in out-patient therapy did provide some benefits, if nothing else to meet people who have the same struggles as I do. Sometimes it just good to know we aren’t alone in our world of confusion and never-ending torments. To meet and become friends on a very deep level for the short time we are together, it feels so much more meaningful than the shallowness of relationships we all are acquainted with. I used to have what I thought were so many friends, its only when you crash and burn that they’re allegiance is tested, remember that. The fact that I tend to isolate comes in handy when I have no-one else to talk to.
I feel some anxiety as I write, as if I am destined to be stuck and unable to move forward. I really do want to, but I am constantly having to remind myself to look ahead and focus on what the possibilities are instead of the habit of looking back and beating the hell out of myself. Maybe I should wear a neck-brace for a few days and realize the effort it takes, and the work involved to do that. If you’ve never worn one, count yourself fortunate. I have and its very uncomfortable!
I have a candle lit in my small room, and some Telemann playing on my stereo, it is very calming. I think I will just sit in my big chair and listen and enjoy. I hope your night is equally at rest knowing we are all on this journey together. Please feel free to comment and let’s help each other, god knows we need it!