Why is it that a psychiatrist you meet with for an hour, barely enough time to get the basics, tells you, I don’t know if I can convince a short-term disability provider that you should receive continued benefits? Therapists are the same, they are so smart they can’t wait to tell you you’re OK, we can fix you, just take the pills and see me once a week.
Because I take your pills I am OK? I am OK though I have suicidal thoughts but haven’t acted on them? I am OK because I am not drooling, mumbling, unintelligible, or a threat to anyone else? Because I can put a sentence together, dress myself and be on-time I’m OK?
What do I have to do? Run into the street and let a car run me over…then will you believe? Do I have to try to kill myself to prove I am not right?
I don’t want to rejoin the human race. I have lived my whole life and am told I am OK. How the f#%@ do you know me? Have you walked with me through the darkness? Did you offer a hand when I was at the point I wanted to die? When I fell into oblivion I didn’t see you reaching out to save me. You stand apart. You judge, you turn your back, you forget me, you justify your attitude by the life you’ve lived instead of trying understand me.
Am I being selfish? Hell yes! I’ve lived my life to be accepted by you, but no more. No more! It’s time I cared for me, did what I need to do to survive and be happy. I am tired of making you happy so you can take me or leave me. I won’t live by the rules that only want to use me up and spit me out.
You will not decide who I am, and if you do I don’t care. I am done caring about that. I will fight for myself, my rights, my ability to be healed, to be happy, to look forward to the next day, to a good nights sleep. To be sane. Don’t tell me I’m ok, you don’t live in my head, you aren’t there when the hallucinations come, the hollow voices taunt me, when anxiety causes me to freeze, or a panic attack takes my breath away. When I feel so low I don’t want to live, or so manic I cannot even control myself and I am so energized.
No, I will take charge now…for good or for bad.