Day to Day

It all runs together, the emotions and beliefs I direct toward myself.

  • agony
  • numb
  • angry
  • frustration
  • fear
  • failure
  • contempt
  • guilt
  • shame
  • frozen
  • doubt
  • anxiety
  • worthless
  • used
  • embarrassed
  • diluted
  • hopeless
  • abandoned
  • unloved
  • dirty
  • spent
  • loathing
  • decomposing
  • unfaithful
  • untrustworthy
  • stupid

These words speak to me, swirling in the undercurrent of my mind. Beyond the Tinnitus ringing constantly in my head I am drowning in the failure I am and was always destined to be. Over and over, nothing new, this is years and decades pushing into half a century.

I am not ready to accept this as my end, but it is a difficult road to take after all this time. What is this about? Why did it fall to me? Why must I live this life because my father was unable to control his sexual urges? Why do you insist that I can change it all? Why do you fight for my abuser and relegate me to this life and point the finger at me? Why cannot I have peace?

You insist I have control here. If you feel that way I respect your opinion. However, the crushing weight has squeezed that out of me like a grape to make wine. I cannot live down the mistakes. I cannot recoup any sort of good name, or reputation. Now, it’s just plain old survival. Sometimes scratching and clawing or sleepwalking and stumbling.

Second by second life is ticking away; minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years…This isn’t merely hyperbole. It’s my perpetual reality.

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