I am sitting in my office and looking out the window at a mid-march Sunday that is overcast and bleak. Snow flakes begin to fall but not as they usually do, they seem to be almost a dream that is moving at half pace. I can watch single flakes hover in place, then move up and down and then side to side. It’s actually kind of freaky. Sporadically they fall, it creates in me a weird sensation, one that feels unreal and hypnotic.
Life doesn’t do that very often. My mind is usually a whirlwind of thought that never takes a break to rest and reflect. A mixture of blame, guilt, shame, fear, regret and hopelessness; essentially a sense of impending doom that is ever-present. There is no rest for me in body or soul, only a foreboding shadow that will engulf me completely at some point. My strength is sapped from my muscles and bones, like the many blood draws which are taken from my veins. I sleep more and more but with less consciousness of, and during my waking hours.
Becoming numb to reality takes a toll that separates the living from life. I don’t feel exhilaration and I don’t sense sadness. It is now just a flat line that runs from beginning to end, like that of a person whose heart has stopped and the sound is a monotone image of a flat horizon. This is no way to live because it is just existing. I still breathe, I still feel pain, I still have emotions but they are not real in my mind, just a fantasy. Seeing isn’t meaningful, hearing is transient, believing is unimportant now.
Only the shadow is real. When will it overtake me completely? Creativity has been stifled, purpose is crippled, my reasons for going on seem so trivial. There is nothing left to contribute for there is no passion remaining within my spirit, only dried up ambition and long-lost vision.
The complexity of each individual snowflake is not unlike the differences we all share. Each of us formed uniquely by time, temperature and environment; all these things conspire to externally shape us as we descend from the heavens. We all will eventually land and once again are met by conditions that will bring about our fate. Whether to linger among the many others that fall gently, or sometimes violently to join together and form a vast network, a blanket if you will. Or to float down harmlessly, individually and melt away as if never having been.
I am sitting in my office and looking out the window…