Why can I not feel some days? My mind goes fanatically wild, but at other times I am blank. Like today. The overwhelming nature of dealing with life creates a protection mechanism and I go into a silent running mode.
Confronted with issues on a continual basis I start to shut down mentally and emotionally. I face challenges of my mind, finances, relationships, past, future and present. I am overwhelmed on every side, I am expected to accomplish things when I am tormented deep in my mind and soul. I am not the only one, I realize that but I am locked into this mind, this body and prison.
I sit here and mindlessly watch hours pass. Paralyzed. I am supposed to be doing all these things today, what are they?
This is what happens when you are stricken with mental illness. I can’t do my part, my reasonable share. I am flat-lining. Everyone wants me to get stuff done but my sleep doesn’t restore me, nothing is making sense. My psychiatrist isn’t responding, therapists are failing me, I am in a weekly struggle to get any financial compensation to avoid eviction, put food on the table and gas in the car.
I have found that this is the lot in life for the mentally ill. I have my faculties to a degree, but the different characteristics of what plagues me tear away my ability to function in daily life. It becomes misunderstood, misinterpreted….and I am at a further loss to deal with it.
It pushes me into a corner of self-protection. Like a cornered animal. I suppose I could claim I am going to kill myself or harm someone else and THEN I’d be taken seriously. Put in a psychiatric hospital, and off the streets. But absent of serious plans to do those things I am evaluated to be just fine? WTF? Is there no in between?
The only escape I have is Numbness. Here I will be while I try to do something today to warrant my continued survival.