Does anyone else have a motor that never stops running? One that produces an upset stomach, anxiety, a sense of wrong-doing about everything you do? Guilt that runs out of control all the time. It doesn’t matter what I am doing or how I am doing it…it is just staring me in the face no matter where I turn.
I am perplexed why, when I am doing absolutely nothing I am still stuck with this shit.
There is a sense that I will never accomplish things that are important, but even when I have completed that list I am still guilty. As I process life through the years of childhood abuse, the inability to complete college, my three marriages, ending up in a psychiatric hospital and unable to work…It’s a lot to deal with.
Is this because of what was done to me, what I haven’t done, or what I have done to others? It could even be a combination of the three.
Regardless of the reasons the fact remains I can’t escape the feeling, the nagging ebb of failure.
I start with a brand new therapists this week, so maybe we will connect and make some progress. I am still at the stage of needing to have some hope for change, before I can even think of setting the smallest of goals.
In the meantime I need to just finish this day, feeling at least a little good about myself.