If you’ve followed me at all you may already know where I am going with this. I feel I am at another crossroads. When you journey through mental illness for decades there are many “either / or” choices you must make. The problem is I have made many wrong turns when presented with the option. I am being pulled in multiple directions even now, most of these are self-generated.
The fork for me at the moment seems to have more of a philosophical bent. This choice is between the following:
- Remain on my current path. Moving in a direction that ultimately could lead to an outcome which is final, yes death. I am very depressed and its mixed with tremendous anger. I don’t think the meds have addressed the biggest issue I deal with, my personal belief that I have been a failure every step of the way. They haven’t even helped put me in a frame of mind to allow therapy to be effective. I remain very negative.
- Make a wild turn. Lay down my anger, put away my frustration and realize the past is just that. I have to add this will not happen quickly either, as what I have built up is deeply engrained in every cell of my being. Not to mention I have 1% belief that can happen. I am hearing voices bidding me to believe, return to my faith and I am really struggling with that. Much of my pain is directly related to the church.
So I stand here, at the fork, and I am not leaning in either direction. I turn to look back and it is a vast scorched-earth wasteland. Ahead is unclear, the path either way is not clear, it’s as if a fog shrouds the way. I cannot even see where I will put my first step.
Anyway, its Saturday night and the fork is real. Time will tell and history will witness whether I implode or soar above.