Do you ever feel like a “fish out of water?” Uncomfortable in your own skin? Wandering around aimlessly? As if you are out of the time you should be be living in? Born too early or too late?
Sound confusing? Yes, it is. My mind tells me I am not who I thought I was. Instead, I am lost, forgotten and forgetting. My heart is heavy and my senses dulled by the head spinning thoughts of should have beens and never were’s.
I can’t settle in, I feel hurried and abandoned, taken lightly and ignored easily.
Why is this? I believe the last 6 months have taken a larger toll than I could have imagined. Spending some of the time in treatment, with doctors, some with psychiatrists and also with therapists, I have been stuck in the mental treatment cycle. All my contacts are professionals for the most part. I have become far removed from silliness, casual conversation…you know the things regular people do.
Part of it is by choice and then by accident. I have been hurt by people and hurt them, this time of separation is rather welcomed in some ways. It has caused me to delve into depths of loneliness and thoughts of self-harm, bad for me.
So while I feel so disconnected, I need to find ways to reconnect. Wish me luck!