Conflicted

The mental health battle is marching on and I find myself conflicted emotionally. My thoughts are all over the board as I consider what is happening at this stage of life. I am slipping again as I plod through each day and the challenges they present. I am constantly having to fight for benefits while I struggle along. I am trying to maintain my sense of balance while negotiating with disability people, Human Resources, psychiatrists, therapists, employers, debt collectors and on down the line. I, in the midst of being debilitated by mental illness have to be logical and present timely documentation to multiple entities when I can barely function.

I am feeling a little less like I want to go on again. Yes I am saying I am feeling a little suicidal. I have to fight to be heard, fight for my rights and fight for compensation. Always fighting. Its wearing me out to maintain the “I can do it” facade when I am far from that.

I don’t want to let people down, but that has already been my failed mantra so when do I start saying I need to take care of me? Merely being off of work isn’t enough. I have had sporadic success with therapy and my psychiatrist is befuddled because I comb my hair and dress myself apparently.

So conflicted I remain. Unsure, tired, flagging but maintaining my outward control. It’s gotten old and I am not feeling like I want to fight, fight, fight. I just want to rest, feel, learn, understand, grow.

Maybe tomorrow.

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