Ever-present

Like the sun, moon and stars there is pain. It is always with me. The only question is where the pain will be on any given day. It runs the gamut from emotional, mental to physical. Today has been a little of all, but mostly physical. I have had accidental injuries as well as those handed down through heredity. Arthritic being a primary.

Today I have an errand to run later but wanted to get out after spending the morning in a fog. My sleep meds sometimes seem to carry over significantly into my days. That was today. So I packed a light lunch and headed to the airport where many people hangout, eat lunch, and watch planes do their thing. But I started having foot pain and it wouldn’t abate. Distracting and distressing it made my time their unbearable. So I left.

Back home now and the pain is still there. Popping some more meds to try and slow it down.

I have started a letter to my psychiatrist to explain some things in more detail than  a 20 minute appointment will facilitate.

I am discovering more clearly my compulsive behaviors too. Always having been around music I have refocused my obsession to vintage stereo equipment. Through buying and selling I have wheeled and dealed myself into a decent stash of potentially good stuff.

Ugh, I need to break from writing the pain is too much right now.

Back. One other thing. I have, in my constant struggle with my weight ballooned (literally) up to a whopping 260 lbs. When I am doing well I am around 225.

So there are a few ever-present struggles, compulsions and concerns. They are all a day in the life of a person challenged by a difficult past and ominous current.

 

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