Where do I go from here? First a synopsis of the where at which I find myself.
Today I took a drive south to pick up a keyboard and drop something at my daughters. It is a challenge to go there because it’s the scene of so much regret. Should it matter it is nearly 10 years ago? Whether it matters or not it is still a painful memory. This on the heals of struggling with suicidal thoughts again. I even had one on the way back home today. My psychiatrist wants me to have another mental evaluation because of my thoughts. I am going to give it the weekend first and then self-evaluate.
A definition: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.
I share that because I am finding that I have my own brand of OCD. Lately with vintage electronics but long-term I can see my actions in another light altogether. Read it again, I see my actions over the last few decades to be very OCD and very negative.
I sit here writing this very fresh revelation to you, a perfect stranger. I have found you are the most likely to listen and understand. Anyway, back to the beginning, where to go from here and why even make the effort again. I have exhausted my will and I am running on empty. Literally going through the motions of life.
Whats the point?