It’s OK for me to be here. Living as best I can and keeping suicidal thoughts in the background. Doing laundry and dishes, cleaning up and vacuuming the apartment. Writing my blog and thinking about writing more seriously. Considering a foray into some freelance artwork.
Anxiety is real and semi constant, bipolar depression squelches my incursions into following through on some of these positive thoughts. PTSD fills my dreams and nightmares. I am even having some chest pain just writing about it.
This is my new normal and its OK. Will I ever be able to return to the life I had, which wasn’t all that great? I really doubt it.
The question more becomes can we survive financially this way. I am receiving compensation for short term disability and have applied for social security disability. So we will see where this leads. It really is week-to-week with no chance to rest and take a deep breath and say “whew” and just breathe for a bit. I need to get something more permanent in place so I can spend less time worrying about money and more time learning to cope and plain old living.
At least today I can recognize the sunny sky and the soft cool breeze. Thats a major accomplishment!