Therapy always brings something to the surface, whether unexpectedly to not. Some of that today was the concept that the justification for my existence cannot be successfully argued, that’s a belief I have. I sit here a beaten and exhausted man. My will has been crushed by defeat after defeat, I no longer have the impetus to strive forward.
I am not the man you remember me to be, gone are some things replaced by others, some good and some bad.
There is a bottom line. It is that Bipolar depression, anxiety and PTSD have rooted out the hope of renewal. This is who I am and who I will always be. My strength is gone, my mind battered and limping through each day.
I am less forgiving of others as I have no forgiveness for myself. I am becoming very legalistic and angry. I have stopped crying and am now living numb. Where the mind goes the body follows. I have quit caring about my physical well-being. I just want what will be, to be.
My baseline remains.
Its important to remember that even though I dwell in this place, I am appreciative of those who reach out, give and care so selflessly. I am lost, but no so lost that I cannot see the empathy and compassion of others. It’s just that I have dried up and have forgotten the long absent hope of life.