As a child I started playing the violin in the 5th grade. I played in the junior orchestra, a community orchestra and in college as concertmaster of the symphony orchestra. Years later I taught myself to play guitar and began playing in a worship band. That continued for decades as I played in larger and larger churches. I began to have opportunities to lead worship and sing. During these years I dabbled with piano, teaching myself to play, and drums and bass guitar.
Music was a central and motivating part of me. I was defined by music, it’s what people saw, and it is what I contributed to others.
Now I live without this elemental part of my being. I have a cheap old guitar sitting in the corner but it never is picked up for more than a few minutes at a time. I’ve lost my way and there is a terrible void in my life now. The music was silenced.
Who am I now? What have I to offer? I am confused, depressed, anxious…I have had thoughts to end my life.
I am truly a basket case. My purpose was diluted to the point it washed away the passion.
This place I inhabit is desolate, empty and dark. It has become a sort of home for me. I am just thinking…whats next? Is there anything ahead? Does this void go on forever? These are the questions that shout back at me and drag me down with the reality I have created for myself.
The music was silenced. Maybe that’s OK. Maybe there is something else. Maybe not.