Try to imagine living in fear that at some point, you are going to destroy something important again. Maybe you know that which I speak of. There can be no rest, no joy, no sense of accomplishment. Just dread-when will “it” happen.
I’m not sure that’s why I take the medications I do but I wouldn’t doubt it. Anxiety is a killer. It’s also a stealer and at times a liar. Even though in your mind you try and dismiss its devastating ability, you are never far from being overwhelmed.
The littlest error, or even perceived shortcoming churns wildly, like an epic tornado wreaking everything in its path. Fear running out of control, tightness in my chest, erratic breathing, mind racing, it makes no sense but it’s there.
When the anxiety sprints ahead and out of control you are swept up in the melee. You just want to find a place to hide, a place of safety. Make it stop, please, make it stop.
There is no relief however. You can’t sleep it away or hid from it, you cannot pretend it doesn’t exist, anxiety is a crippling malady that respects no person it sets its sight on.
After two shifts of four hours each I am sensing growing anxiety, I just want to get through the four hours tomorrow and do so without incident. Thats all, I am not asking much. Just a couple days off without having to rebuff this enormous attack.
There is a shadowy character, you cannot see, you can only feel it, and it’s scary.