Now that I am integrating back into the work world I can feel that I am desiring to guard my seclusion.
Work is frenetic and exhausting, people everywhere, demands constantly, and it wears me out. I don’t want to socialize, I want to go home and be in my room. I am not thinking about playing my guitar or going back to church. I don’t long to be a part of a group or other relationships. I am guarded and fearful of rejection. I shake every time I have to work in anticipation of my inevitable oncoming failure or inability to do my job.
Maybe this will wear off, maybe. I have completed two weeks on a very light schedule, the next two will increase my hours. I feel all that I went through the last year is for nothing because inside I feel no different. Just go back to work and forget any of this really happened. To me that’s asking for trouble down the line, a reenactment of events will follow.
Is this wishing for my own demise, the devastation of my future? I don’t know. What I do know is the most loving, forgiving, compassionate person in the world to me, Susan, deserves far better a man to live her life out with. Not a cowering shell of an existence.
Medications run my life now and give me the ability to pseudo function. I don’t know, let’s give it some time and see.