My life used to be defined by music. I lived for it, strived to be better, rose and fell on how well I did. I was accepted as a musician and when I became rejected I saw no relevance to my life.
Now, I pull my guitar from its case every other day or so and strum a few chords for a couple minutes at a time. I then coldly put it away. There is no emotional reaction, no hope that rings from the music.
The strings cease to vibrate, the latches close and back into the corner is placed this one time deliverer. The tool by which I connected with God and connected me to others goes silent.
Seconds now define me. My split second reactions give the world their opinion of me. I define myself by those erroneous decisions I make….the Bible says from Glory to Glory, but it’s really from failure to failure. There is a gene in me that cannot stand the good but invites me to self-sabotage. Destruction seems to be waiting in the shadows.
I believe music once was the tool that held annihilation at bay. I cannot jump start this weapon when it only has life for a split second. I am trapped. Disconnected. Alone.
(I have been accused of stopping the one resource that can turn all this around. But you see that one thing failed me in every crucial time of need. If I ever do return it will have to be this thing rebuilding its trust with me. Not the other way. I am not being flippant or disrespectful, just completely honest. I see everything much differently than I once did.)