I would love it if I could just escape my mind for a couple days and be able to enjoy the holiday season. But I have come to realize that’s not possible. Yesterday it all snuck up on me again and dredged up every wrong thing I have done, especially to others, and it sits like a lump in my gut.
In hurting others I cut off my own avenue to enjoyment and bliss. I hate this part about me, it is very hate-able.
I don’t ever feel like I deserve to be happy knowing I have done those things. I cannot come to any level of peace with them. Call it whatever you want or say I am feeling sorry for myself, it doesn’t matter because it will not go away. Even in the midst of receiving gifts from my own wife I can barely raise a smile.
I guess I am having a short stretch of days that I have to deal with time to time. My employer calls them “maintenance days” which I have to miss work to deal with it all.
There are many of you who know what I speak of, as you somehow manage to put on a smile and get through the holidays. Depression, anxiety, thoughts of self-harm or worse don’t slip quietly into the background, ever. Especially at times when it seems everyone is happy.
We can make it through this Christmas, we can do it, and we can hope for better days in the future. We have no other choice.