I haven’t written in a while, my reasons are many with the main one being I had nothing to say. Today I do.
The majority of last year I was in the care of psychiatric services at varying levels. A lifetime of trauma and its resulting damage left me hopeless and without a motivation to go forward. I was suicidal at my worst and listless at the best. It was in the context of living this way that two seemingly minor events sent me on my latest tailspin.
Yesterday morning before I went to work I was on Facebook Marketplace and came across a violin, a really decent one listed for free. I excitedly answered the ad which was only 9 minutes old and yet I was too late. Those of you who know me know I am a violinist without a fiddle and this would have helped a lot. Things happen, the person who got it might have needed it just as bad. Bummer.
The second thing that happened was perhaps more disturbing in the big picture. I had a coworker ask me how I was doing. I said that I was OK. They proceeded to tell me I appeared that I no longer enjoyed working there. Which I couldn’t deny. They went on to say that before I went away I was a different person. I admit that my time away was a major contributing cause to my new reality.
So today I am home when I was scheduled to work. I slept til noon and going on 2 pm I am still in a funk.
Life is hard for many reasons and this is just one, and maybe not as bad as what you are experiencing. It wasn’t long ago that I asked for reaction to a post in which I lamented my age and pursuing goals. I received much positive response but I have to admit I had already decided I was to far gone.
Life is funny, it seems to move so slowly and then before you know it decades have past. I live in sorrow but try to put on a positive face, apparently I am not doing a very good job.