I have been doing some study the last few days about mental health, euthanasia and suicide. I am at a point of relative acceptance that there is an inevitability in me to take one of these roads in the future. I have a sense of futility about life at this point. I am not throwing my hands up in surrender to this end game, but slowly acknowledging its possibility.
The aimless drudgery of living is neigh unbearable. I haven’t made a plan to kill myself (as the psychiatrist ask’s ) but I do think about it most days.
There is a combination of things that drive this feeling. I wont enumerate them here but I am sure they are things we share in common. Except I take those things such as regrets, mistakes, personal failings as bricks in a wall leading straight to a dead end. Most suffer those things and make course corrections and learn from them…not me.
I really wish my blog could be the one that steers you away from the negativity resulting from being sexually abused, confused by religion and mental health issues. Maybe someday it will, but not as of yet.
If you are in the position I am, you want to know there is a reason for the mountains you face, reasons that aren’t regurgitated faithfully by the religious or well-wishers. Could be they are just beyond our vision and just around the corner. I don’t see it that way. If I am here at this late stage of life, the possibility for a cure is far from my grasp.
I just want to have one day I can get through without having this nagging feeling taking away all the joy of living.